mixtape

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Give me a reason to believe

So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will

Preach all you want, but who's gonna save me?
I keep a gun on the book you gave me,
(Hallelujah, lock and load)

- My Chemical Romance, Thanks For The Venom


Hold on to what you need
We've got a knack for fucked up history
Hold on to what you need
We've got a knack for messed up history

Well we went downtown and we sat in the rain
Well looking what direction and waiting for a train and thought over
Its all overI did't know you kept track

I didn't know there was a score
Well it looks like your the winner and
I aint gonna play no more
Its over
Game over

Well we walked real stiff and i came inside the ground
You hit me with yours
And said 'pull yourself together'Its overOh it's over

You can say what you want but don't act like you care
It takes more than one person to decide whats fair
Its over
Think it over

You were spitting venom at most everyone you know
If the damned gave you a road map then you'd know which way to go

- Modest Mouse, Spitting Venom


i can understand now why people would cut themselve. not little emo kids who cut themselves and then tape it up, wear wristbands so all their little punk emo friends will know they are so hardcore. but the ones who cut themselves and let it bleed out, deep gashes visible all the time that never relly heal, leaving bloody handprints on refridgerator doors when opening it to make the orange juice. not the 'heart on your sleeve' bullshit symbolism, but a sign that yes, i am a human being. look what happens when i get hurt. why should i bother to hide my pain, hold it in? shouldn't you have to bear it too? if i have to suffer, then you should at least have to clean up the mess that you have made out of me. literally. maybe it is from bringing christine into the house again, and then just as quickly having her leave. maybe it is from the terrible words that you hurl at me, blaming it on your anger but there has to be a root to those feelings. maybe it is because of the way you regard my relationship. or maybe it is because of the way you see me

i'm only as much of a mess as you make me.

so for now restless mind, i could go either way

i'm going down, i don't want to change
i'm going down, going down the drain

don't bring me down, i beg of you
don't bring me downn, i won't let you
don't bring me down, i beg of you
don't bring me down, don't let me

-don't bring me down, sia


she is doing a wonderful job of using me as a buffer between her and christine. right now my insides feel like screaming. what i would not give for just 30 seconds to smash things in this place, to just run my hands across a table and bring it all crashing down. bring out the imperfections.

let them be

I said what you wanted to hear
And what I wanted to say
So I will take it back
Are all the dishes intact?
Let them be broken
Broken

It's easy to be
Easy and Free
When it doesn't mean anything
You remain
Selfless, cold and composed

-Ben Folds Five, Selfless, Cold and Composed

yeah, i have developed a new thing for Ben Folds Five. he seems to write somgs about people who have hurt me. but that is for another blog, yes?

i looked up how much a marriage licence costs. well, first i told louis that i was considering marrying him. he, in turn, says ' are you sure this does not have to do with all the stuff that is going on with you mom right now?

my entire life is about 'stuff that is going on with my mom right now'.

selfless, cold, and composed

today i was asked to leave the house again. it was her way or no way at all. when i think about how it got at the end of the 'conversation (i put it in quotes, because there is no way there was any communication) i realized we just sounded like christine or michael yelling at her, yelling useless bullshit at each other. things like calling me an lazy fuck, liar, selfish. telling me that i was an embarassment to her. that was a new one, and she said that with such malace in her voice i could not help but start to tear up. i try so fucking hard! i don't know how much of it i initiated...

yeah, your right

i had a dream about a week ago. i dreamt that angela called me, almost in tears, to tell me that she had some information about how i could pay for my medication, but my mom was telling me that she needed me to get off the phone to help her with something. when i asked angela if i could call her back, she said to me 'can't you just tell her to wait? this is important.'

this happens all of the time. it seems like everytime i am on the phone with louis, something happens and i have to ask if i can call him back, which really upsets him.

i am so embarassed. 27 years old and i still live at hime, still allow her to break me down the way that she does. yesterday she called me an idiot. i just loved that one. it's hard not to cry in front of her, to show that i have some fucking dignity, but sometimes it is no use.

i miss work. i miss having a place to escape her, a place of independence, a place where i was somewhat soxial. where i was able to breate, to be a single person.